Tired...

Sometimes life just makes me so very tired.

I can't blame it completely on life today, because I'm the one who chose to marry my husband. So that is my fault.

But i'm tired of being the supportive wife. I'm tired of always being there. I'm tired of the various medical problems that keep cropping up. I'm tired of always "doing the right thing".

Sometimes I want to just run away... be free... escape. But I don't. I stay. I support. I love.

But sometimes it is so very hard.

Especially when it seems like we just can't seem to catch a break. This is yet again another of those times.

And I'm tired.  :(

Posting from my new phone...

So.... guess I've officially taken the next dive into technology... WAY behind most of the rest of the world... I bought a smartphone.  Albeit, kind of a low-end one, but a smartphone none the less.
And now I'm blogging from it.  Whoda thunk it?  Lol 
Now how long before I get a Kindle fire or other tablet-type device?

when I'm upset...

I'm a private kind of person.
I'm an introvert.
I'm a thinking kind of person.

When I'm upset...
I don't want to talk about it.
I don't want to be asked questions.
I don't want advice.
I don't want to be told I'm better off than so and so because "x" happened to them.
I don't want to be compared to someone else going through something similar.
I don't want to be told how your situation is as bad or worse than mine.
I don't want to be told it could be worse.
I don't want to be told it will get better. 
I don't want to be reassured about anything.
I don't want to be told I'm over-reacting.
I don't want to be asked if I'm okay, because obviously I'm not okay or one wouldn't have to ask.
I don't want to be told ways I could "fix" the problem.
I don't want to be told the "positives" of the situation.
I don't want to be bothered.

When I'm upset...
I want to be left alone until I'm ready to talk about it.
I want to be listened to without anyone saying anything.
I want to be left in peace and quiet, so I can think.
I want to be allowed to curl up in bed and cry, if I feel like it, or just sleep, if I feel like it.
I want to be able to cry without having to do it in the shower where I won't be heard.
I want to have time to think and work it out for myself.


And I know people do the things I don't want, because they care.  They aren't like me, so they do what works best for them.  But on the flip side of that, when I tell you I need to be alone, or I tell you I don't want to talk about it, dammit, stop doing what I don't want.  You're adding to the frustration when you don't listen to me.

I love my hubby and my friends.
I'm glad they care about me.
But let me do things my way.
I so rarely get to have my way these days.

I knew it would happen

So happy for my dear friend today.  After a year of infertility struggles, she got the news today that she is pregnant.  I think she was seriously beginning to give up hope and faith that it would happen.  I always knew it would.  I never doubted for a minute.  But it's much easier to have that faith when its not directly happening to you. I know she still has a journey ahead of her, because she is a high-risk pregnancy, but I know it will be just fine.  She will follow her doctor's orders to the letter.

Now, me, I know I won't ever be pregnant.  And honestly, it depends on the day as to whether or not that bothers me.  Today, it does not.  And really, it hasn't bothered me in awhile.  Not even when holding my new nephew or my friend hope's new daughter.  Yeah, I did feel a tug on the ole "mother" strings, but nothing major.  I'd love to have a baby of my own, but I know its not going to happen, and I'm okay with that.

Maybe someday, I'll get to be a god-mother and do some spoiling of someone else's child, but until then, I'll just enjoy spoiling my new nephew and my friends' new babies.   :)

Welcome to the world Zachary Leonard Boyea

My new nephew made his debut on Wednesday, April 4, 2012 at 9:37p.m., weighing in at 6 lbs. 14 oz. and measuring 21 1/4 in. long.

Zachary Leonard Boyea

My brother initially said it was a crazy delivery.  Found out later they had to suction him out and the umbilical cord was wrapped around his neck four times.  He's still jaundiced and has a biliblanket that has to be wrapped around him at home.  He'd lost 9 oz when they went to the doc on Saturday morning, so they had to supplement the breast feeding with formula.  They hated having to do this.  but these are all minor things, Zachary and my brother and sister-in-law are doing fine.

We went to visit on Saturday.

me and Zachary

I love babies.  They are so sweet and so small and so helpless.  I love their little hands and their little feet and their little ears.  I love the way they smell.  I love how they just automatically cuddle up to you.  I don't even mind when they cry.

I really wish they weren't 3 hours away in Raleigh.  Gas prices are crazy, and I'm already out of money for the month.  :(

This is my favourite picture of all so far:

Timothy (proud daddy) and Zachary

 I get teary-eyed whenever I see it.  Such a sweet picture of my brother and his new little guy.

Baby Shower...

We had Cathy's baby shower today.  Lots of cute baby things... monkey themed.  Hmmm... wonder if that's portentous.  So anyway, it was a nice quiet shower.  We don't really believe in silly games and such at these things.  :-)

Kind of made me a little sad though.  That I'll never get to have a baby shower for me.  No cute little baby clothes or cute little baby rattles or cute little baby toys or cute little baby snot suckers....  the one thing that REALLY got to me though was the baby carrier.  You know one of those things you strap to your body, so that you can carry the baby on your belly/chest or on your back like a backpack.  They didn't actually get one today, but mom was telling them she tried to get them one, but they were sold out.  And I got to thinking about carrying a baby around, all snuggled up, strapped to my belly/chest.  :-(  Made me sad and yearning at the same time.

days like these....

Days like these make me wonder why I didn't continue with my chemistry major.  I LIKE chemistry.  It was interesting and fun.  Why did I drop it?  ....eh, I know why.  Damn calculus and the fact that I never learned how to study in high school (just breezed through it).  Too late to go back now.  I've forgotten more than I ever learned about chemistry.

Days like these make me wonder why I didn't go into medical technology.  It was a brand new major they were starting.  I even went to an interest meeting.  It was probably my lack of confidence in myself.  Or could have been the calculus again.  Or both.  I could be screening people's poop for blood instead of listening to the poop come out of their mouths.

Days like these make me wonder why I didn't find something to do with my psychology degree.  Sure, I'd probably had to get a masters or higher to REALLY do anything with a psychology degree.  And at the time I was tired of being in school.  And really, I only got into psychology, because I was interested in how the brain works.  I don't want to sit and listen to people talk about themselves all day long.  I'd be too brutal of a therapist.  Just ask my friends.  I'm not gonna give you some bullshit soft crap.  I might even tell you to grow up and accept some responsibility for your life instead of trying to find someone else to blame it on.

Days like these make me wonder what I was thinking when I decided to go into teaching.  Seriously.  The past 4 or 5 years of teaching have basically sucked.  When I look at the big picture and the time in general, they have royally sucked.  I've been harassed and bullied by my boss; been moved around to every damn grade level except kindergarten (so i suppose things COULD be worse); been yelled at by parents; been ignored and disrespected by parents and students; worked my ass off on week nights, weekends, "holidays", "breaks", and all other times in between; been belittled by politicians; had no pay raise; had to pay for my own benefits (that are the suckiest benefits in the world); and that's just the stuff I can think of right now. 

Days like these make me wonder why I'm still in teaching.

Days like these make it hard for me to see any of the positives in teaching.  Like the special feeling when a kid who is struggling suddenly "gets it".  Or the smile on the kid's face when you greet them with a warm "good morning" at the door, when maybe they didn't have any warmth anywhere else that morning.  Or the thrill of teaching a new math or science skill that they didn't know before, and they actually thought was cool to learn.  Or the happy sounds of students really getting into their work, whether it's a science lab with new things to discover, or a math challenge that stirs a lively discussion about how to solve it. 

I HATE days like these.

restlessness....

Preface:  So I was originally going to title this post "on turning 40...", but as I got to typing, the title just didn't seem to fit, so I changed it. 

It has been over a month since my 40th birthday.  Had a great party for it.  I was originally going to throw myself a party, but my good friend Deloris talked me into letting her take it over.  So it became a Deloris-Stephanie-Jay project.  Deloris being the controller of what is acceptable, because Steph, of course, wanted to get all crazy with it, and Jay wanted to hire a stripper!  Thankfully Deloris didn't allow any craziness or strippers!  Yeah Deloris!!  A great time was had by all, and that is what I wanted.

Getting older has never bothered me.  And I'm not one of those people whose age has mattered one bit to them.  I freely admit how old I am, and I really don't care what other people think.  I'm still that way. I'm happy to be 40.

However, I have found that middle age has got me restless.  I've noticed it for about a year now.  I'm not content with where I am anymore.  And possibly, not content with who I am anymore.  I've been feeling restless and unsettled, like i need to do something or go somewhere.  Not sure what to do about it.   I know I don't want to stay in Charlotte much longer, but not sure where we'd go.  I really want to go back to the mountains, but teaching jobs are hard to get there, and I don't "know someone" to get me in the door.  And I can't afford to move somewhere without a job ready, since Jay doesn't work.  Jay's all set to move, so its kind of me that is holding us back.  The only thing that is really keeping me here is my friends.  I've made some really good friends here.  And I can't take them with me if I move.  :-( 

So I have some serious thinking to do.  Because I'm also not sure about staying in teaching.  But what else do I do?  *sigh*

See?  Restlessness.

stop asking me to teach stuff...

So every now and then I get stopped by a 5th grade teacher asking me to make sure I teach [whatever the current topic is that they are studying], because they don't know what the hell the 4th grade teachers taught last year as their kids don't know shit. Okay, so I'm paraphrasing... or not. But anyway, today I was bombarded by three different 5th grade teachers (one of them doesn't even teach math) telling me to make sure 4th grade teaches fractions beyond what investigations does with it. I can only assume that everyone in 5th grade started teaching fractions this week. Usually I just laugh these things off, but this one was a bit frustrating:

1. I've taught 5th grade before. I think I know what they need to learn in 4th grade to become successful in 5th grade.

2. I didn't teach 4th grade last year, so I don't really want to hear about what 4th grade "team" didn't teach last year. I can tell from the un-opened manipulative kit that I inherited from one of the 4th grade teachers (who is no longer at our school), that it is questionable that ANY math got taught last year (at least in her classroom).

3. I'm just the "bridge" on my grade level. Trying to connect the ever-increasing chasm between the white folk and the black folk on my team. And no, its not a true racial divide, but from the outside it could be seen that way. The other two white women (besides me) are buddied up and "doing their own thing", while the three black women are working together on their own thing. ....okay, this could end up turning into a whole blog about my team, so I will end #3 right now. and just simply say, I can't be the bearer of every message that 5th grade has for the 4th grade teachers, because I don't know what a third of my team is even teaching!!

Breathe, Colleen....

Okay, I'm better. So while I'm glad that the 5th grade teachers are doing their job (and evidently the job of last year's 4th grade teachers), I really don't need to hear about it EVERY time the 5th graders don't know something they should have learned in prior years. Ooooh, which brings me to....

4. Just because a kid doesn't know something, it doesn't mean they weren't taught it. A lot can happen over the summer. And especially over a year, seeing as how we are getting ready to start OUR fraction unit soon. And I know, if almost all the kids aren't showing that they have a clue about equivalent fractions, then it PROBABLY means something was lacking in 4th.

But honestly, I don't want to hear about it today. I'm struggling to get caught back up. I'm about two weeks behind because of jay's surgery, the complications, and follow-up doctor's appointments (hmmm, guess I didn't blog about that one yet).  I'm still in the middle of place value, addition, and subtraction. So give me a break. Talk to the grade chair about these things. :)