Day Fourteen (Two Weeks) as a Widow

January 31 · 

Well, all the dialysis supplies are gone. I think the house just rose a couple of inches. Picture is of the now dialysis-materials-free closet. Forgot to take a before picture, but it was filled from top to bottom and all the way to the door.

January 31 · 

Day 14 as a widow - there are landmines everywhere - A couple of guys from the dialysis clinic came this morning to take away all the dialysis stuff (probably close to 60 boxes). I helped, because I felt bad that everything was on the second floor. The older gentleman collects records, so I got his name and number for whenever I decide what I'm doing with Jay's record collection. Few unexpected landmines over the last of the dialysis stuff. I spent the afternoon cleaning floors (after I figured out that the belt was worn on the vacuum and bought a new one). Kitty and I then spent some time in the hammock recovering. Few more landmines came while listening to "The Wee Free Men" by Terry Pratchett. Forgot about Granny Aching dying in that book. Some of it hit awfully close to home. Now I'm laying in bed wondering where the hell Jay's keyring is. I went looking for it, because I was going to get his parents' house key off of it, but they weren't in his gray bag where they always are. I've looked everywhere that I can think they could possibly be - no keys. I guess they'll show up when they feel like it.

January 31 · 

Jay would be so proud. I thoroughly mopped the kitchen floor - pulled ALL furniture out (even the little table in the corner - found a large stash of kitty toys under it), swept, and mopped (3 times - twice with pine sol and last rinse with hot water). Then I even mopped the floor in the second bathroom upstairs.

January 31 · 

Love you forever, my Jaybird

Day Thirteen as a Widow

January 30 · 

Day 13 as a widow: another up and down day. I had planned on doing some cleaning today, but I completely lacked the motivation, and I didn't have my Jaybird to help nudge me through it (he was the cleaner in our household). So I crocheted and listened to a book instead. Then I cried my way through a shower (triggered by a song that came up on Pandora). Had a lovely dinner out with Elliott & his wife, Asia. God, I miss Jay so much.

January 30 · 

Love you forever, my Jaybird

January 30 · 

Love you forever, my Jaybird

January 30 · 

Check out a blast from the past this Friday.

Listen live at: http://wnaa.ncat.edu/

Day Twelve as a Widow

January 29 · 

Day 12 as a widow: up and down day. Today was clothes day, but I got a late start on the clothes, because I ended up taking a long nap midday. Took seven laundry baskets full, multiple texts to multiple people, and about seven hours to go through and sort all of Jay's clothes. A large box and two bags will be going to Greensboro for Christa, Ben, and Marilyn to pick over. Three bags will be going to Elliott. Four bags will be donated to a church that helps those in need. I've kept a select few special, sentimental items for myself. Found his birth certificate in the process (well, a certified copy of it anyway), and some pictures for Christa, Ben, and Taryn. Cried a bit here and there over various things. It really sucks that he's not here.

January 29 · 

That was Jay for sure.

Day Eleven as a Widow

January 28 · 

One of Jay's favorite songs - "I'll Always Love My Mama" by The Intruders

January 28 · 

Another of Jay's favorite songs - "Sadie" by The Spinners

January 28 · 

Another of Jay's favorite songs - "Hurry Up This Way Again" by The Stylistics

January 28 · 

Day 11 as a widow - more tolerable day - Today was phone calls day - called social security (twice), medicare, BCBS, the funeral home, and texted with Jay's nurse from the home dialysis center. Then I got a letter in the mail from social security that would have eliminated the need to call them, if I'd gotten it earlier. Got a couple of really nice cards in the mail, and then a few more nice cards from my Newell family that had me crying a little, but not a lot.

January 28 · 

Love you forever, my Jaybird

Day Ten as a Widow

January 27 · 

Day 10 as a widow: sucks - I've tried to keep busy, because when I'm not busy the pain in my heart is just so big. He was always here, and now he's gone.

January 27 · 

Love you forever, Jaybird

January 27 · 

Today has been rough. Love you forever, Jaybird

Day Nine as a Widow

January 26 · 

Day 9 as a widow: eh day... kept busy, so that I couldn't think too much. Shopped for the materials and made something from scratch. It felt good to be busy and to make something. Moments of sadness were sharp and breath-taking.

January 26 · 

Love you forever, Jaybird

Day Eight as a Widow

January 25 · 

Day 8 as a widow: sad thought of the day - My best friend is gone. If I want to go do something, my ready-and-able partner in crime is gone. If I need to talk about something or talk about the events of my day, my favorite listening ear is gone. When I want a laugh, my jokester is gone. When I want to cuddle up and be held, my favorite arms are gone. When I need to cry, my crying shoulder is gone. And no one can replace him.

January 25 · 

Love you forever, Jaybird

Day Seven (One Week) as a Widow

January 24 · 

Love you forever, Jaybird

January 24 · 

Someone is very happy that I'm home.

January 25 · 

Day 7 (one week) as a widow (yesterday): odd day, numb and raw at the same time. Spent the morning in Greensboro waiting: Ben came to pick up Jay's dookie flag, Marilyn came by, never did hear back from the newspaper woman. When I got home I made a "to do" list, and then did none of the things on the list. Laid in my hammock feeling odd and bored. Gonna have a lot more free time on my hands now that Jay is gone and my schedule is mostly empty, like my heart.

My Eulogy for Jay

Jarrod Austin Smith

Jay
My Jaybird
J-Mixx, the Urban Sound Surgeon
Husband
Partner
Friend
Lover
Son
Brother
Dad
Grandpa
Uncle
Nephew
Cousin
He wore many titles and names.
He was many things to so many different people. He was the most people-person I knew, which is the exact opposite of me. God only knows how we worked together, but we did. What I lacked, he had. What he lacked, I had. We complemented each other.

He was my rock,
My love,
My heart,
My soul,
My Jaybird.
He was my everything.

He was silly, stubborn, loving, stubborn, crazy, stubborn, serious, stubborn, loyal... did I mention stubborn? He got a double dose of stubbornness... have you met his parents? Both the Browns and the Smiths are some stubborn, strong people. And he was so strong in love and in spirit. He needed those strengths, because he was not strong in body. Diabetes is a beast, and it slowly ate away at him for 43 years. It took his vision, his kidneys, and his foot, but it could not take his love, spirit, and faith in God. His love, spirit, and faith in God carried him through life and kept him going through the ups and the downs. He loved me with a fierceness that was unconditional and timeless. I will carry that love with me forever.

I leave you with a quote from one of my favorite authors, Terry Pratchett, who also left this physical world too early. "A man is not dead while his name is still spoken." I will say your name, Jay, until the day I die, as I carry you in my heart, my mind, and my soul. Love you forever, my Jaybird.

Day Six as a Widow - Funeral Day

January 23 · 

Jay's song, on this his funeral day

January 23 · 

Last night's game... Jay would be happy.

January 23 · 

Well, it's done.

January 23 · 

Love my circle

January 23 · 

Well, since my stuffy nose (thanks whoever gave me this cold) is keeping me awake, I might as well do day 6 as a widow: very, very hard day. We had Jay's funeral today. It was a wonderful turn out of family and friends. I can't begin to express my gratitude and love for the support.

Day Five as a Widow

January 22 · 

Jay's obituary in the newspaper today.

January 22 · Greensboro · 

They did a really good job with him.

[I was at Hargett Funeral Home when I posted this.  No pictures were allowed to be posted to social media, so I will not post pictures of him in the casket here either.]

January 22 · 

Love you forever, Jaybird

 

January 22 · 

Day 5 as a widow: Sucky, sucky, sucky day. Had the public viewing of Jay's body. They did a really good job with him. He had gotten so skinny at the end, almost skeletal, but they plumped him up nicely. (I'd post a picture, but the funeral home asked that we not share pictures on social media.) It didn't bother me seeing him, since I was the one who found him dead in the first place. It's just hard dealing with other people's grief. And the constant questions of if I'm alright and what can they do for me. I'm doing as well as can be expected given the circumstances, and I don't know what you can do for me.

On the plus side, Sarah and Jonathan came to the viewing, took me out to lunch afterward, and helped me run a couple of errands. Then they came back to Sadie and Robert's house and checked out my "new" car (anyone want to buy a project car - 1978 Chevy Camaro?). Amy Le from work also came to visit, and we had a nice conversation.

January 22 · 

Love you forever, Jaybird

Day Four as a Widow

January 21 · 

Family is awesome. Tammy and Karl helped me move all the stray dialysis boxes and stuff into the closet of the 2nd bedroom. Then they moved the bed back upstairs and got it all made up nice. We were then able to set up my hammock in the living. Maria plans on sleeping in it tonight.

January 21 · 

Day 4 as a widow: Sucky morning and early afternoon, better in the late afternoon and evening. Today was supposed to be a laid-back, try to rest, kind of day. 
Didn't happen. 
Woke up early and took two phone calls before 7:30a.m. I tried to take a nap mid-morning, but a couple more phone calls came in. Decided I might as well break down the boxes in the 2nd bedroom that my dad had started for me. Baked some cookies. Then got a call that the picture of Jay that I really liked wasn't big enough to use (yup, 40kb just wasn't going to work), so tried to find another picture I liked. I knew I had a decent one of him and the cat, but for some reason, I couldn't find the folder I know I had created for cat pictures. Very frustrating. Then my sister Tammy and her crew came to stay for the night on their way to my brother's house. Family is awesome. We had mostly homemade pizza and got a bunch of stuff cleaned up and organized in my house. Only other problem today is that I think I'm getting a cold - stuffy nose, scratchy throat. I'm NOT happy about that.

January 21 · 

Love you forever, Jaybird

Day Three as a Widow

January 21 · 

Day 3 as a widow (yesterday): Still sucked. Spent the morning writing Jay's obituary. That was hard. Spent the afternoon writing my eulogy for him. That was harder. It was a crying day.

Day Two as a Widow

January 19 · 

Yesterday was day 1 as a widow. It soundly sucked. But it was made so much more bearable with the love and support of family and friends. Particularly thanking, Jeff (Dad), Mom, Deloris, Lisa, and Lara. And thanks to everyone else who called, texted, messaged, or posted.

Now for day 2... (deep breath)

January 19 · 

Love you forever, my Jaybird

January 19 · 

Jay's funeral will be Wednesday, January 23rd at noon. If you are interested in attending, please PM me for the location.

January 19 · 

Latest update:
In lieu of flowers, the family is asking that you donate to: Juvenile Diabetes Research (JDRF)

It can be done by one of the following: Online https://www.jdrf.org -Memorial donations, Jarrod Smith or call- 1-800-533-CURE(2873) lastly, check mailed to JDRF, 26 Broadway -14th Floor, New York, NY, 10004

JDRF.ORG

JDRF - Type 1 Diabetes Research Funding and Advocacy

JDRF leads the global type 1 diabetes research effort to keep people healthy and safe until we find a cure for the disease. Help create a world without T1D.

January 20 · 

Day 2 as a widow (yesterday): Still sucked, but again, family and friends made it more bearable. I came to Greensboro to be with Jay's family. Lots of conversation about Jay, how I found him, and what we want for a funeral. Spent at least two hours at the funeral home figuring out what we are doing. Then still further conversations with family and friends. Ended the day with a very late, and long (where'd our waitress go?), but emotionally needed dinner out with Jay's sister (loved the conversation and time with you, Marilyn).

First Day as a Widow

I am writing this seven months out from his death as an introduction to the posts that will follow.  All the posts from January 18 to July 18 are back-dated and copied from the original Facebook and Instagram posts I made during that time.  I wanted a better way of "preserving" them than FB and Instagram.

One day, maybe, I will write about that day in more detail, but not now.  It is still too soon.

January 18 · 

It is with great sadness that I tell you all that my dear, sweet Jaybird died overnight. I found him dead this morning. I tried to call as many people as I could before posting this. If I missed you, I apologize. Hopefully, he is at peace now.

January 18 · 

The pile of medical equipment that I donated to ALS-MDA Center today in honor of Jay and his mother, who is dying from ALS.

January 18 · 

Love you forever, Jay