Six Months as a Widow

July 18 at 1:12 PM · 

Six months as a widow: The resounding theme this month has been regret. Looking back, there are so many things I regret not doing with Jay - places we never went, things we didn't do, people we didn't visit, etc. There are so many things I wish we'd done differently. My regret has not been just for the past, but for the future as well - all those things we'll never get to do together, those places we'll never get to go to together - now that he's gone.

Gone.

I know there's nothing I can do about any of my regrets, but they are still there, torturing me. Damn "ifs" have been haunting me... "If only..." "If we had..." "What if..." Hindsight is always 20/20, they say. *sigh* It's hell, too.

June 19 · 

I call them 'landmines', and I encountered one today.

Love you forever, my Jaybird

July 4 · 

Fourth of July is hard, because I firmly believe that everything went sharply down hill after Jay broke his leg on July 3rd two years ago. Broken leg, pressure ulcer, infection, amputation, wound care for a year on the pressure ulcer, another infection, and talk of another amputation. Too much.

Love you forever, my Jaybird

Celebrated one year since we adopted Bella:

July 15

July 16 · 

One of my favorite pictures of Jay and Bella.

Five Months as a Widow

June 18 · 

Five months since Jay died... five months as a widow. I was going to write about the loneliness of widowhood and grief, but looking back at month four, I've pretty much covered that already. So I will write about something close to loneliness - missing intimacy. I've never been a touchy-feely kind of person, however Jay very much was. Who knew that one day I'd be yearning for his touch, and I don't mean sex (although I do miss that intimacy as well). I mean the everyday touches, the hugs, the quick kisses in passing, the deep lingering kisses, the knee squeezes while I was driving... every intimacy between people who have been married a long time.

June 9 · 

My first breakfast in the park without my Love... of course, had to get Biscuitville in honor of my Jaybird.

Four Months as a Widow

May 18 · 

Four months since he died. Four months as a widow. The main thing that I have struggled with in this fourth month has been loneliness. The all-consuming loneliness of having gone from having your best friend and lover with you 24-7 to having no one. Holy fuck, it's awful. The person you told everything to - gone. The person who told you their hopes and dreams - gone. The person you kissed goodbye in the morning when you went to work and hello in the evening when you came home - gone. The person who held you when you cried - gone. The person you cared for day in and day out and took to the doctor/hospital/labs/etc. - gone. The person you loved with all your heart- gone. The person who loved all of you - gone. The person who told you everything was going to be alright - gone. In a million little ways - gone. Left behind is an empty space with nothing to fill it but loneliness and tears.
Love you forever, my Jaybird

"Highlights" of the rest of the month.  On April 20th, I attended the Water Lantern Festival and launched a water lantern in Jay's memory (see separate blog post).  For his birthday, April 26, I took a trip to Carolina Beach to spread some of his ashes.  I'll write about that in a separate post as well.

April 30 · 

Miss you every day. Love you forever, my Jaybird

May 1 · 

The past week has been a very lonely one. Love you forever, my Jaybird

May 10 · 

Tammy played it in the car tonight, and it was okay (Jay and I danced to this at our wedding).
Love you forever, my Jaybird

Jay's Birthday - First one since he died

I decided I needed to do something special for Jay's birthday.  After consulting Deloris, I decided a trip to the beach was in order.  I really would have preferred to go to the Outer Banks for this first birthday without him, but that's a long drive for a weekend.  As it was, I asked off work for his actual birthday.  Luckily, it was a Friday.  I decided to go to Carolina Beach, since that was our second go-to for beach time.  I also decided to spread some of his ashes there.  This would be the first spreading of any of his ashes that I'd done.

I arrived to find that my room had been all paid for by my sister Tammy, and then found some lovely flowers in my room from her as well.

I proceeded to light some candles on a donut for Jay's birthday.  He would have been 53.

I got up before the sun the next morning, camped out on the beach, and spread his ashes as the sun rose.

Snap is definitely female!

So with bearded dragons (and many reptiles), it can be hard to tell their sex.  I was 90% sure that Snap was female, but it was finally confirmed for me.  She laid eggs last night!  They are infertile, since she's never been with another dragon, since I bought her three?? years ago.  Pretty cool though.

Water Lantern Festival

On April 20th, I attended a Water Lantern Festival in Charlotte and launched a water lantern in memory of Jay.  My friends Deloris and Lara attended with me.  It was a peaceful night.

The launch:

Three Months as a Widow

April 18 · 

Today marks three months since Jay's death. (Three months as a widow) Today has been sort of a numb day; not really feeling much. The past month has been really difficult; missing Jay for the little, everyday things and the sharing of stuff that happens living life. It feelings like both the longest and the shortest three months of my life.
Love you forever, my Jaybird

"Highlights" from the rest of the third month:

March 21 · 

And today was something good. I cried through my lunch, because I realized I don't have Jay at home to tell my good news to when I get home.

Love you forever, my Jaybird

March 22 · 

This. This is why his death is so hard. Jay was my home. Love you forever, my Jaybird

March 28 · 

Another successful STEM Night in the books. Mom and Dad came down again with all of Dad's lovely nature stuff for display. Dad said it was the best one yet. I'm feeling bittersweet about it, as this is the first one without Jay. I wanted to come home and tell him all about it, but I can't.

April 8 · 

Jay's death certificate finally came in the mail today. Not a good day for it.

Love you forever, my Jaybird