Struggling

*sigh*  I'm surrounded by pregnant women and friends my age with kids graduating from high school.  I'm feeling barren and old.  I'm in a rough place right now.  While I'm happy for my friends - both the pregnant ones and the ones with graduates - I'm also quite depressed and envious about the whole thing.  I still go back and forth on whether or not I want kids (I love kids, but already have my hands full with my husband's health), which is made more complicated by the fact that we can't have kids.  Yes, I have step-kids and step-grandkids (another on the way - another of the pregnant women that I know... Christa's pregnant again), but it's not the same.  Friends have suggested fostering kids.  I don't think I could handle that emotionally.  And adoption takes money that I don't have (which is also why we haven't tried any infertility treatments).

I know part of my problem is that I have hit the middle-age meditations on my life.  Didn't hit when I turned 40.  It hit when I turned 41.  I wouldn't really call it a mid-life crisis, but I've definitely been doing a lot of thinking about my life lately, and this past week has been about babies.  I feel left out.  I'm not part of the pregnant crowd.  I'm not part of the kids-graduating crowd.   I've been an outsider almost my whole life, until recent years.  T've got a small group of friends going on now.  Kinda nice.  But... now I feel left out, which is made worse by the fact that I spent most of my life as an outsider and then became part of a group.  Okay, that's kinda fuzzy.  Can't explain the feeling in words.

Two of my closest friends are in the two categories that have me struggling right now - one is pregnant and one has a graduate (her youngest, in fact, so she's getting ready to have some freedom on her hands again).  I really want to be involved in my pregnant friend's life, but I feel like an intruder.  I also feel selfish, because I want her company and her time, but she's dealing with maintaining this pregnancy and not losing this baby.  I also feel like she doesn't turn to me for anything about her pregnancy or baby, because I haven't gone through any of that stuff.   

There are positive things happening in my life, and I should be feeling happy and excited about them.  I am, but it feels off.  Jay's finally got a job and my bitch boss has retired - two really big, positive events in my life.  I guess my tempered happiness is because I take time to adjust to change.  and even though these are positive changes in my life, they still take adjusting.

*sigh* There's more I could say, but really not sure how to put it all in words anymore.

struggling

Tired...

Sometimes life just makes me so very tired.

I can't blame it completely on life today, because I'm the one who chose to marry my husband. So that is my fault.

But i'm tired of being the supportive wife. I'm tired of always being there. I'm tired of the various medical problems that keep cropping up. I'm tired of always "doing the right thing".

Sometimes I want to just run away... be free... escape. But I don't. I stay. I support. I love.

But sometimes it is so very hard.

Especially when it seems like we just can't seem to catch a break. This is yet again another of those times.

And I'm tired.  :(

Posting from my new phone...

So.... guess I've officially taken the next dive into technology... WAY behind most of the rest of the world... I bought a smartphone.  Albeit, kind of a low-end one, but a smartphone none the less.
And now I'm blogging from it.  Whoda thunk it?  Lol 
Now how long before I get a Kindle fire or other tablet-type device?

when I'm upset...

I'm a private kind of person.
I'm an introvert.
I'm a thinking kind of person.

When I'm upset...
I don't want to talk about it.
I don't want to be asked questions.
I don't want advice.
I don't want to be told I'm better off than so and so because "x" happened to them.
I don't want to be compared to someone else going through something similar.
I don't want to be told how your situation is as bad or worse than mine.
I don't want to be told it could be worse.
I don't want to be told it will get better. 
I don't want to be reassured about anything.
I don't want to be told I'm over-reacting.
I don't want to be asked if I'm okay, because obviously I'm not okay or one wouldn't have to ask.
I don't want to be told ways I could "fix" the problem.
I don't want to be told the "positives" of the situation.
I don't want to be bothered.

When I'm upset...
I want to be left alone until I'm ready to talk about it.
I want to be listened to without anyone saying anything.
I want to be left in peace and quiet, so I can think.
I want to be allowed to curl up in bed and cry, if I feel like it, or just sleep, if I feel like it.
I want to be able to cry without having to do it in the shower where I won't be heard.
I want to have time to think and work it out for myself.


And I know people do the things I don't want, because they care.  They aren't like me, so they do what works best for them.  But on the flip side of that, when I tell you I need to be alone, or I tell you I don't want to talk about it, dammit, stop doing what I don't want.  You're adding to the frustration when you don't listen to me.

I love my hubby and my friends.
I'm glad they care about me.
But let me do things my way.
I so rarely get to have my way these days.

I knew it would happen

So happy for my dear friend today.  After a year of infertility struggles, she got the news today that she is pregnant.  I think she was seriously beginning to give up hope and faith that it would happen.  I always knew it would.  I never doubted for a minute.  But it's much easier to have that faith when its not directly happening to you. I know she still has a journey ahead of her, because she is a high-risk pregnancy, but I know it will be just fine.  She will follow her doctor's orders to the letter.

Now, me, I know I won't ever be pregnant.  And honestly, it depends on the day as to whether or not that bothers me.  Today, it does not.  And really, it hasn't bothered me in awhile.  Not even when holding my new nephew or my friend hope's new daughter.  Yeah, I did feel a tug on the ole "mother" strings, but nothing major.  I'd love to have a baby of my own, but I know its not going to happen, and I'm okay with that.

Maybe someday, I'll get to be a god-mother and do some spoiling of someone else's child, but until then, I'll just enjoy spoiling my new nephew and my friends' new babies.   :)

Welcome to the world Zachary Leonard Boyea

My new nephew made his debut on Wednesday, April 4, 2012 at 9:37p.m., weighing in at 6 lbs. 14 oz. and measuring 21 1/4 in. long.

Zachary Leonard Boyea

My brother initially said it was a crazy delivery.  Found out later they had to suction him out and the umbilical cord was wrapped around his neck four times.  He's still jaundiced and has a biliblanket that has to be wrapped around him at home.  He'd lost 9 oz when they went to the doc on Saturday morning, so they had to supplement the breast feeding with formula.  They hated having to do this.  but these are all minor things, Zachary and my brother and sister-in-law are doing fine.

We went to visit on Saturday.

me and Zachary

I love babies.  They are so sweet and so small and so helpless.  I love their little hands and their little feet and their little ears.  I love the way they smell.  I love how they just automatically cuddle up to you.  I don't even mind when they cry.

I really wish they weren't 3 hours away in Raleigh.  Gas prices are crazy, and I'm already out of money for the month.  :(

This is my favourite picture of all so far:

Timothy (proud daddy) and Zachary

 I get teary-eyed whenever I see it.  Such a sweet picture of my brother and his new little guy.

Baby Shower...

We had Cathy's baby shower today.  Lots of cute baby things... monkey themed.  Hmmm... wonder if that's portentous.  So anyway, it was a nice quiet shower.  We don't really believe in silly games and such at these things.  :-)

Kind of made me a little sad though.  That I'll never get to have a baby shower for me.  No cute little baby clothes or cute little baby rattles or cute little baby toys or cute little baby snot suckers....  the one thing that REALLY got to me though was the baby carrier.  You know one of those things you strap to your body, so that you can carry the baby on your belly/chest or on your back like a backpack.  They didn't actually get one today, but mom was telling them she tried to get them one, but they were sold out.  And I got to thinking about carrying a baby around, all snuggled up, strapped to my belly/chest.  :-(  Made me sad and yearning at the same time.