Mindblaze

Saturday, May 18, 2019

Four Months as a Widow

Four months since he died. Four months as a widow. The main thing that I have struggled with in this fourth month has been loneliness. The all-consuming loneliness of having gone from having your best friend and lover with you 24-7 to having no one. Holy fuck, it's awful. The person you told everything to - gone. The person who told you their hopes and dreams - gone. The person you kissed goodbye in the morning when you went to work and hello in the evening when you came home - gone. The person who held you when you cried - gone. The person you cared for day in and day out and took to the doctor/hospital/labs/etc. - gone. The person you loved with all your heart- gone. The person who loved all of you - gone. The person who told you everything was going to be alright - gone. In a million little ways - gone. Left behind is an empty space with nothing to fill it but loneliness and tears.
Love you forever, my Jaybird

"Highlights" of the rest of the month. On April 20th, I attended the Water Lantern Festival and launched a water lantern in Jay's memory (see separate blog post). For his birthday, April 26, I took a trip to Carolina Beach to spread some of his ashes. I'll write about that in a separate post as well.

April 30

Miss you every day. Love you forever, my Jaybird

May 1

The past week has been a very lonely one. Love you forever, my Jaybird

May 10

Tammy played it in the car tonight, and it was okay (Jay and I danced to this at our wedding).
Love you forever, my Jaybird

Sunday, April 28, 2019

Jay's Birthday - First one since he died

I decided I needed to do something special for Jay's birthday. After consulting Deloris, I decided a trip to the beach was in order. I really would have preferred to go to the Outer Banks for this first birthday without him, but that's a long drive for a weekend. As it was, I asked off work for his actual birthday. Luckily, it was a Friday. I decided to go to Carolina Beach, since that was our second go-to for beach time. I also decided to spread some of his ashes there. This would be the first spreading of any of his ashes that I'd done.

I arrived to find that my room had been all paid for by my sister Tammy, and then found some lovely flowers in my room from her as well.

I proceeded to light some candles on a donut for Jay's birthday. He would have been 53.

I got up before the sun the next morning, camped out on the beach, and spread his ashes as the sun rose.

Thursday, April 25, 2019

Snap is definitely female!

So with bearded dragons (and many reptiles), it can be hard to tell their sex. I was 90% sure that Snap was female, but it was finally confirmed for me. She laid eggs last night! They are infertile, since she's never been with another dragon, since I bought her three?? years ago. Pretty cool though.

Saturday, April 20, 2019

Water Lantern Festival

On April 20th, I attended a Water Lantern Festival in Charlotte and launched a water lantern in memory of Jay. My friends Deloris and Lara attended with me. It was a peaceful night.

The launch:

Thursday, April 18, 2019

Three Months as a Widow

April 18

Today marks three months since Jay's death. (Three months as a widow) Today has been sort of a numb day; not really feeling much. The past month has been really difficult; missing Jay for the little, everyday things and the sharing of stuff that happens living life. It feelings like both the longest and the shortest three months of my life.
Love you forever, my Jaybird

"Highlights" from the rest of the third month:

March 21

And today was something good. I cried through my lunch, because I realized I don't have Jay at home to tell my good news to when I get home.

Love you forever, my Jaybird

March 22

This. This is why his death is so hard. Jay was my home. Love you forever, my Jaybird

March 28

Another successful STEM Night in the books. Mom and Dad came down again with all of Dad's lovely nature stuff for display. Dad said it was the best one yet. I'm feeling bittersweet about it, as this is the first one without Jay. I wanted to come home and tell him all about it, but I can't.

April 8

Jay's death certificate finally came in the mail today. Not a good day for it.

Love you forever, my Jaybird

Monday, March 18, 2019

Two Months as a Widow

March 18

Two months as a widow: Two fucking months since I found Jay dead in his chair. These have been the hardest two months of my life. I don't think I have gone a single day without crying. Some days it's just a small cry over something that tripped me up or a kind word/action from someone. Other days it is gut-wrenching sobs, curled up in the fetal position, yelling out loud, "It's not fair!" But no one ever said that life was fair. And god knows the last two months have been hell. Adding to my sorrow over Jay's death is now the sorrow of his mother passing. While her's was "expected", it is still hard. Two funerals in two months... there are no words to describe it. Even as I sit here in my pain, I think about his Dad. He lost his youngest son and his wife, the woman that he's known since he was 16! (He's in his 80s.) I only had 18 years with Jay; Robert had almost 70 with Sadie. Even given MY pain, I can't imagine HIS pain.

We also lost Jay's mom this month. Death sucks.

March 10

RIP Sadie Brown Smith - Jay's beautiful mom. Her battle with ALS is finally over, and she is at peace now.

Marilyn A. Smith

March 10

FB Family I have to share, My beautiful daughter Kayla entered the quite room within Hospice of the Piedmont to check on her grandmother; as calm as my daughter is she recognized a sense of peace, checked pulse, calls the nurse to confirm, states you’re right...”Kayla whispers Thy Will Be Done” a beautiful expression of peace on this Sunday Morning March 10th, the passing of our Queen Sadie Brown Smith, Mom you fought a good fight; we rejoice as we know there is no more pain and suffering. We rejoice as we know you are now reunited with your baby boy our brother Jarrod (Jay) who passed on January 18, 2019..... Resting In Peace

March 18

Two months... feels like yesterday and feels like a lifetime ago. Love you forever, my Jaybird

Monday, February 18, 2019

One Month as a Widow

February 18 at 6:44 AM ·

One month as a widow: This month has been both exceptionally long and really fast at the same time. I feel like I just kissed him goodnight last night, and I feel like it has been ages since I found him dead in his chair. I miss him so much.

Some "highlights" since the last post:

February 6 at 5:51 PM ·

Came in the mail today