18th Wedding Anniversary

Today would have been our 18th wedding anniversary.  18 years.  It seems such a long time and such a short time all at the same time.  Like one could say, "Wow!  18 years!  You lasted longer than a lot of people."  Or as I say, "I only had 18 years with him.  It could have been so much longer."  It doesn't feel like 18 years at all to me.

I spent the weekend up in the mountains with family.  Then today, I went up to the hill behind my parents' house where we got married around noon to kind of settle myself in, do some journal writing, and some crying.  At 1:00, I started playing some of our music from the reception ending with the song that Jay sang to me at our wedding - "Ribbon in the Sky" by Stevie Wonder.  I spread some of his ashes while the song played.  I never really understood what a ribbon in the sky was supposed to mean, but I guess now it stands for Jay.  Jay is now my ribbon in the sky.

Love you forever, my Jaybird.

Eight Months as a Widow

I have missed Jay terribly this month.  In all the little ways and for all the little things that make a man your husband and make having a husband worthwhile - all the things that made Jay my best friend... 

    ...a shoulder to cry on when things get rough

    ...someone to talk to about the every day things

    ...someone to come home to

    ...a listening ear for even the craziest ideas or thoughts

    ...someone to listen to

    ...arms to hold me tight

    ...cold toes pushed against the back of my legs

    ...a bony elbow poking in my back 

    ...a warm body wrapping around me in the middle of the night

and so many other things. 

I missed him so much this month.  School started back in session, and he wasn't there to help me get things ready.  He wasn't there to listen to me bitch about waste-of-time meetings.  He wasn't there to wish me a good first day of school.  He wasn't there for me to come home to and tell how things went each day.  He wasn't there to hear about my students - the good and the bad.  I started grad school; he would have been so proud of me.  He wasn't there...

He isn't here.

It hurts so bad sometimes.  I miss him so much.  My best friend is gone.