We had Cathy's baby shower today. Lots of cute baby things... monkey themed. Hmmm... wonder if that's portentous. So anyway, it was a nice quiet shower. We don't really believe in silly games and such at these things. :-)
Kind of made me a little sad though. That I'll never get to have a baby shower for me. No cute little baby clothes or cute little baby rattles or cute little baby toys or cute little baby snot suckers.... the one thing that REALLY got to me though was the baby carrier. You know one of those things you strap to your body, so that you can carry the baby on your belly/chest or on your back like a backpack. They didn't actually get one today, but mom was telling them she tried to get them one, but they were sold out. And I got to thinking about carrying a baby around, all snuggled up, strapped to my belly/chest. :-( Made me sad and yearning at the same time.
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Thursday, February 9, 2012
days like these....
Days like these make me wonder why I didn't continue with my chemistry major. I LIKE chemistry. It was interesting and fun. Why did I drop it? ....eh, I know why. Damn calculus and the fact that I never learned how to study in high school (just breezed through it). Too late to go back now. I've forgotten more than I ever learned about chemistry.
Days like these make me wonder why I didn't go into medical technology. It was a brand new major they were starting. I even went to an interest meeting. It was probably my lack of confidence in myself. Or could have been the calculus again. Or both. I could be screening people's poop for blood instead of listening to the poop come out of their mouths.
Days like these make me wonder why I didn't find something to do with my psychology degree. Sure, I'd probably had to get a masters or higher to REALLY do anything with a psychology degree. And at the time I was tired of being in school. And really, I only got into psychology, because I was interested in how the brain works. I don't want to sit and listen to people talk about themselves all day long. I'd be too brutal of a therapist. Just ask my friends. I'm not gonna give you some bullshit soft crap. I might even tell you to grow up and accept some responsibility for your life instead of trying to find someone else to blame it on.
Days like these make me wonder what I was thinking when I decided to go into teaching. Seriously. The past 4 or 5 years of teaching have basically sucked. When I look at the big picture and the time in general, they have royally sucked. I've been harassed and bullied by my boss; been moved around to every damn grade level except kindergarten (so i suppose things COULD be worse); been yelled at by parents; been ignored and disrespected by parents and students; worked my ass off on week nights, weekends, "holidays", "breaks", and all other times in between; been belittled by politicians; had no pay raise; had to pay for my own benefits (that are the suckiest benefits in the world); and that's just the stuff I can think of right now.
Days like these make me wonder why I'm still in teaching.
Days like these make it hard for me to see any of the positives in teaching. Like the special feeling when a kid who is struggling suddenly "gets it". Or the smile on the kid's face when you greet them with a warm "good morning" at the door, when maybe they didn't have any warmth anywhere else that morning. Or the thrill of teaching a new math or science skill that they didn't know before, and they actually thought was cool to learn. Or the happy sounds of students really getting into their work, whether it's a science lab with new things to discover, or a math challenge that stirs a lively discussion about how to solve it.
I HATE days like these.
Days like these make me wonder why I didn't go into medical technology. It was a brand new major they were starting. I even went to an interest meeting. It was probably my lack of confidence in myself. Or could have been the calculus again. Or both. I could be screening people's poop for blood instead of listening to the poop come out of their mouths.
Days like these make me wonder why I didn't find something to do with my psychology degree. Sure, I'd probably had to get a masters or higher to REALLY do anything with a psychology degree. And at the time I was tired of being in school. And really, I only got into psychology, because I was interested in how the brain works. I don't want to sit and listen to people talk about themselves all day long. I'd be too brutal of a therapist. Just ask my friends. I'm not gonna give you some bullshit soft crap. I might even tell you to grow up and accept some responsibility for your life instead of trying to find someone else to blame it on.
Days like these make me wonder what I was thinking when I decided to go into teaching. Seriously. The past 4 or 5 years of teaching have basically sucked. When I look at the big picture and the time in general, they have royally sucked. I've been harassed and bullied by my boss; been moved around to every damn grade level except kindergarten (so i suppose things COULD be worse); been yelled at by parents; been ignored and disrespected by parents and students; worked my ass off on week nights, weekends, "holidays", "breaks", and all other times in between; been belittled by politicians; had no pay raise; had to pay for my own benefits (that are the suckiest benefits in the world); and that's just the stuff I can think of right now.
Days like these make me wonder why I'm still in teaching.
Days like these make it hard for me to see any of the positives in teaching. Like the special feeling when a kid who is struggling suddenly "gets it". Or the smile on the kid's face when you greet them with a warm "good morning" at the door, when maybe they didn't have any warmth anywhere else that morning. Or the thrill of teaching a new math or science skill that they didn't know before, and they actually thought was cool to learn. Or the happy sounds of students really getting into their work, whether it's a science lab with new things to discover, or a math challenge that stirs a lively discussion about how to solve it.
I HATE days like these.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
restlessness....
Preface: So I was originally going to title this post "on turning 40...", but as I got to typing, the title just didn't seem to fit, so I changed it.
It has been over a month since my 40th birthday. Had a great party for it. I was originally going to throw myself a party, but my good friend Deloris talked me into letting her take it over. So it became a Deloris-Stephanie-Jay project. Deloris being the controller of what is acceptable, because Steph, of course, wanted to get all crazy with it, and Jay wanted to hire a stripper! Thankfully Deloris didn't allow any craziness or strippers! Yeah Deloris!! A great time was had by all, and that is what I wanted.
Getting older has never bothered me. And I'm not one of those people whose age has mattered one bit to them. I freely admit how old I am, and I really don't care what other people think. I'm still that way. I'm happy to be 40.
However, I have found that middle age has got me restless. I've noticed it for about a year now. I'm not content with where I am anymore. And possibly, not content with who I am anymore. I've been feeling restless and unsettled, like i need to do something or go somewhere. Not sure what to do about it. I know I don't want to stay in Charlotte much longer, but not sure where we'd go. I really want to go back to the mountains, but teaching jobs are hard to get there, and I don't "know someone" to get me in the door. And I can't afford to move somewhere without a job ready, since Jay doesn't work. Jay's all set to move, so its kind of me that is holding us back. The only thing that is really keeping me here is my friends. I've made some really good friends here. And I can't take them with me if I move. :-(
So I have some serious thinking to do. Because I'm also not sure about staying in teaching. But what else do I do? *sigh*
See? Restlessness.
It has been over a month since my 40th birthday. Had a great party for it. I was originally going to throw myself a party, but my good friend Deloris talked me into letting her take it over. So it became a Deloris-Stephanie-Jay project. Deloris being the controller of what is acceptable, because Steph, of course, wanted to get all crazy with it, and Jay wanted to hire a stripper! Thankfully Deloris didn't allow any craziness or strippers! Yeah Deloris!! A great time was had by all, and that is what I wanted.
Getting older has never bothered me. And I'm not one of those people whose age has mattered one bit to them. I freely admit how old I am, and I really don't care what other people think. I'm still that way. I'm happy to be 40.
However, I have found that middle age has got me restless. I've noticed it for about a year now. I'm not content with where I am anymore. And possibly, not content with who I am anymore. I've been feeling restless and unsettled, like i need to do something or go somewhere. Not sure what to do about it. I know I don't want to stay in Charlotte much longer, but not sure where we'd go. I really want to go back to the mountains, but teaching jobs are hard to get there, and I don't "know someone" to get me in the door. And I can't afford to move somewhere without a job ready, since Jay doesn't work. Jay's all set to move, so its kind of me that is holding us back. The only thing that is really keeping me here is my friends. I've made some really good friends here. And I can't take them with me if I move. :-(
So I have some serious thinking to do. Because I'm also not sure about staying in teaching. But what else do I do? *sigh*
See? Restlessness.
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