On being married to a sick man....

I love my husband. I really do. I love him more than I ever thought it was possible to love another person. He is the best thing to ever happen to me. However, sometimes he is the most stressful thing to ever happen to me. And these times usually revolve around his health. He asked me once that if someone had sat me down before we got married and told me what all I would be going through with him medically, would I have still married him?

How does one answer that? Some days, I would say, "yes, of course." Other days, I would say, "I don't know." And still other days, I might actually say, "No. Its too much."

The thing about any of the situations I've been through with my husband's health problems is that (and this is true for anything in life) you don't know what you can truly handle until you live through it.

Five years ago this month (don't remember the exact date in January that it happened, although I suppose if I went back to one of my journals, I could find the exact date), I thought jay was going to die. And at one point, I thought he WAS dead -- when I found him laying on the floor in the kitchen, and I thought he wasn't breathing. Thank god he was breathing, but the couple of days that followed that.... I wasn't sure he was going to make it. and I wasn't sure if it wouldn't just be a kinder thing for god to go ahead and take him. But he came through, like he always does.

A few months after that, he had his kidney transplant, and we've (hopefully for a long while) said good-bye to the world of dialysis. but... and there's always a but, there's still the asthma. And the diabetes. And his feet. And his eye. It is a lot.

So lately, my focus has been to push "maintenance". I think the point has finally been driven home by the podiatrist. Although, we are still at a 50% chance of losing the toe. I would hate for him to learn this lesson at such a steep price, but sometimes that is the case in life lessons. He's doing better with his diabetes maintenance. The insulin pump has helped with that. If we can get better control there, then the kidney and his eye won't be as much of a future concern.

So on to the asthma. I suppose it would help tremendously if we would move away from Charlotte. This place is not a good place for asthmatics to live.  I even have sinus trouble here. But  move will have to wait until I can find a job somewhere else. Where? Who knows.

I've sort of deflated since starting this post. Got interrupted in the middle of it by dear hubby calling for me. Scaring the crap out of me by the way he called. Today has not been a good day health-wise for him, and that puts me on edge. So now I'm back after having a good cry with him and talking about how he needs to be more mindful of what he puts me through. That calling out to me like that, with that tone and inflection in the call, recalls the horror of finding him laid out on the kitchen floor five years ago.

Since I don't recall anymore where I was going with this post, I will just end as I began....

I love my husband, but it can be hard to live with him sometimes.