still struggling

So not a good time to find out that yet another friend is pregnant... right after "failed" sex. Both of us cried... he started it this time. Sat there thinking about how he can't give me a child. So then of course, I started crying too. *sigh*  And then spent time reassuring him that I love him, and that maybe it's just "not in god's plan" for us to have kids, and that sometimes I really don't even want a kid, because this world is such a mess. And then he brings up that he watches me crochet things for everyone else's babies, and he wants me to be crocheting for ours... and that made me start crying again... hell, I'm crying now as i type it. :(

I don't know how much I believe in the whole "god's plan" thing, but I know he tends to.  I do know that Jay needs someone to take care of him, and I guess that's what my purpose is.  Doesn't make it any easier that we don't have kids, but I know it would be really hard to raise a kid and take care of him.  I know that pains him though. Hurts him bad that he basically did this to himself by not taking care of his diabetes for all this years when he was young.  Beats himself up about it.  But as I told him, you can't change the past. You have to move on and deal with what has come because of your past.  He says I deserve to have children... I don't know about all that. Lord knows I'm not perfect and have done stupid shit in my past.  And who's to say I'm not partially the reason we can't get pregnant? I've not had any fertility testing done on me.

I'm 41 now. Gonna be 42 in 5 months. I'm getting too old to be thinking about getting pregnant. I have to come to terms with the fact.  And so does Jay.  We've agreed to talk more about it instead of letting it fester.

I don't regret marrying him.  He is my rock and keeps me sane (when he's not driving me crazy.  lol).  Even though we are complete opposites in soooo many ways, I love him and would marry him all over again.