Asthma Sucks... aka near death experience for Jay

What a week (actually, last week... I started writing this a week ago). It started off with an early morning trip to Target to take Jay to work by 4:30a.m.  Not three hours later and Jay almost left this bodily domain.

About 7:15, the phone rings, waking me from my nap between dropping Jay off at work and picking him up from work.  It was Jay's job coach, L. He said that Jay was having an asthma attack. I quickly found out that it was a major attack, and the ambulance was on its way to get him. So I told him to tell the ambulance to take him to the university hospital (WAS the one hospital that he'd never stayed in, also the closest one to his work), and that I was on my way. In the ER, I met L. for the first time, and he explained everything that he knew about the asthma attack while we waited to be let back to the back.  Jay had been working for about 2 hours when his chest started to feel tight.  He decided to take his break and headed to the break room and used his puffer.  The puffer wasn't really working for him.  That's where L. found him and offered to take him home.  They started out of the building, and Jay's breathing got worse and worse.  By the time L. pulled his car around to the front door, Jay was bent over and couldn't speak.  He held up 9-1-1 with his fingers.  L. went in and told the manager, who called the ambulance while L. went back out to Jay.

Once in the ER, they tried the bi-pap machine on him.  It wasn't working, so after awhile, the ER doc told me they wanted to intubate him.  I agreed to it.  So L. and I had to leave the room while they did that.  I called his parents at that time to let them know what was happening, since it was so bad at that point.  I also called the A/C guy that was supposed to come out to the house that day (great timing, eh?).  He was fine with working in the house without me there; said they did it often.  I'd had the forethought to leave a key under the downspout catch.  So I told him where the key was and that I would check in on them periodically.

From then on, Jay was sedated until the next morning before they took the tube out (extubated him).  After he was intubated, they moved him up to the ICU.  L. left once they had him up there, and I promised to keep him updated on Jay's status.  Once Jay was in the ICU, they wanted to put a central line in him.  I agreed to it, knowing that he'd had one before.  Meanwhile, I'm waiting and waiting to be let back into the room to see him.  They'd kicked me out right after they brought him up.  Then they had  a problem getting the central line in because his veins were partially occluded (probably from past scar tissue from past central lines), so they wanted to put a pic line in.  I agreed to that (again, he's had one before).  So finally after all of that, hours later, I was able to go into his room and start answering the usual questions from the nurse (meds, medical history, etc.).  She felt bad that I had had to wait for so long (and hadn't gotten to go eat any lunch), and gave me a complimentary card for $7 credit in the hospital cafeteria.  I didn't use it until the next day.

By around 3:00 or so, I decided to head back to the house and check on the A/C guys and eat something.  Jay was sedated and breathing better, so I knew nothing was going to change any time soon.  I'd already spoken to Jay's parents and his sister several times during the day.  I knew Jay's dad was trying to find someone to drive down with him, but hadn't found anyone yet.  At home, everything was going fine with the A/C replacement, so I hung out until they finished.  On the way back, I picked up a friend to sit with me and sent a text to his sister that I was heading back to the hospital.  She texted back that they were on their way there, had just gotten off the interstate. So I quickly texted back to park by the Patient Discharge area and take the elevators up from there.  They stayed for a few hours.  I know it really bothered his sister to see Jay intubated, and then she saw that they had his arms strapped down to the bed.  I explained it was so that if he woke up, he wouldn't try pulling the tubes out of his mouth.  Jay's dad just took it all in stride.  He worked as a medic in the military back in the day, so he's seen worse. 

Tuesday morning, I got back to the hospital in time for visiting hours to start at 8am.  They had taken Jay off the sedative, and he was starting to come around.  His breathing was much better, and they talked about extubating him that morning.  By mid-morning they did.  He doesn't remember anything from that morning though.  I would later have to repeat almost everything I had told him that morning:  how he'd gotten to the hospital, my calling his work, the A/C guys, his sister & dad coming the day before... Later that day, they took out the catheter from his penis.  My friend and her husband came by to visit before going to their childbirth class.  By then, the hospital had gotten back the MRSA results on Jay, and he had tested positive again, so visitors had to suit up in "protective gear".  Such a weird practice at the hospital.  We were told that he would probably move out of ICU that day.  Of course, it didn't happen.  There had been some concern about his kidney because his creatinine level had gone up from the day before.  It had been 1.7 when he was in the ER Monday morning, but was 2.1 in the ICU Tuesday morning.  The nephrologist was pretty sure it was because of all the drugs and stuff they'd put through him in the past 24 hours, but they wanted to be sure. So they pushed a lot of fluids.

Wednesday morning, his creatinine was back down to 1.7, and they moved him to a regular room.  He spent 24 hours in there, and got to go home on Thursday.  We already had an appointment with the nephrologist for Friday, so we just set up an appointment with his primary for follow up on his breathing.  On Friday, the nephrologist was quite surprised that Jay had gotten out of the hospital so quickly.  He was able to look at his x-rays and whatnot from the hospital.  He said that usually an asthma attack that bad has people staying in the hospital for a couple of weeks.  Even better, his creatinine on the last day in the hospital was at 1.3.

This asthma attack was the worst one that Jay has ever had.  And I have said many times over the past few years, that it's not the diabetes that's going to kill him, it's the asthma.  It almost did.  Jay has said several times since that day, that he thought for sure he was not going to make it; that he was going to die.  He said he prayed and prayed to God, while standing, bent over, outside Target, to not let him go this way, to keep him alive.  And He did.

new A/C unit coming soon...

at the beginning of the summer we discovered that our a/c had a problem... leaks in the coils. Then on further investigation, we were told that our 2 1/2 ton unit is too small for the size of our house. After a couple of estimates, we decided to go with the MUCH cheaper small business guy instead of the MUCH more expensive big company.  BUT we still had  to come up with the money to pay for it all.  So to the credit union we went and were approved for a loan using my Corolla (called it a car refinance loan).
Problem:  couldn't find the car title.
2nd problem:  in order to get a duplicate title, I had to get a letter from the loan company that I had paid off the original car loan.
3rd problem:  had to wait several weeks to get the duplicate title.  Finally on Saturday, the title came in the mail. Monday, we went back to the credit union and got the loan finalized. Called the a/c guy when we got home.  He had to order the unit, so this Monday will be the big installation day.  Wooohoooo!  Although, I am a little anxious about the whole thing.  But that's just me.

still struggling

So not a good time to find out that yet another friend is pregnant... right after "failed" sex. Both of us cried... he started it this time. Sat there thinking about how he can't give me a child. So then of course, I started crying too. *sigh*  And then spent time reassuring him that I love him, and that maybe it's just "not in god's plan" for us to have kids, and that sometimes I really don't even want a kid, because this world is such a mess. And then he brings up that he watches me crochet things for everyone else's babies, and he wants me to be crocheting for ours... and that made me start crying again... hell, I'm crying now as i type it. :(

I don't know how much I believe in the whole "god's plan" thing, but I know he tends to.  I do know that Jay needs someone to take care of him, and I guess that's what my purpose is.  Doesn't make it any easier that we don't have kids, but I know it would be really hard to raise a kid and take care of him.  I know that pains him though. Hurts him bad that he basically did this to himself by not taking care of his diabetes for all this years when he was young.  Beats himself up about it.  But as I told him, you can't change the past. You have to move on and deal with what has come because of your past.  He says I deserve to have children... I don't know about all that. Lord knows I'm not perfect and have done stupid shit in my past.  And who's to say I'm not partially the reason we can't get pregnant? I've not had any fertility testing done on me.

I'm 41 now. Gonna be 42 in 5 months. I'm getting too old to be thinking about getting pregnant. I have to come to terms with the fact.  And so does Jay.  We've agreed to talk more about it instead of letting it fester.

I don't regret marrying him.  He is my rock and keeps me sane (when he's not driving me crazy.  lol).  Even though we are complete opposites in soooo many ways, I love him and would marry him all over again.

Struggling

*sigh*  I'm surrounded by pregnant women and friends my age with kids graduating from high school.  I'm feeling barren and old.  I'm in a rough place right now.  While I'm happy for my friends - both the pregnant ones and the ones with graduates - I'm also quite depressed and envious about the whole thing.  I still go back and forth on whether or not I want kids (I love kids, but already have my hands full with my husband's health), which is made more complicated by the fact that we can't have kids.  Yes, I have step-kids and step-grandkids (another on the way - another of the pregnant women that I know... Christa's pregnant again), but it's not the same.  Friends have suggested fostering kids.  I don't think I could handle that emotionally.  And adoption takes money that I don't have (which is also why we haven't tried any infertility treatments).

I know part of my problem is that I have hit the middle-age meditations on my life.  Didn't hit when I turned 40.  It hit when I turned 41.  I wouldn't really call it a mid-life crisis, but I've definitely been doing a lot of thinking about my life lately, and this past week has been about babies.  I feel left out.  I'm not part of the pregnant crowd.  I'm not part of the kids-graduating crowd.   I've been an outsider almost my whole life, until recent years.  T've got a small group of friends going on now.  Kinda nice.  But... now I feel left out, which is made worse by the fact that I spent most of my life as an outsider and then became part of a group.  Okay, that's kinda fuzzy.  Can't explain the feeling in words.

Two of my closest friends are in the two categories that have me struggling right now - one is pregnant and one has a graduate (her youngest, in fact, so she's getting ready to have some freedom on her hands again).  I really want to be involved in my pregnant friend's life, but I feel like an intruder.  I also feel selfish, because I want her company and her time, but she's dealing with maintaining this pregnancy and not losing this baby.  I also feel like she doesn't turn to me for anything about her pregnancy or baby, because I haven't gone through any of that stuff.   

There are positive things happening in my life, and I should be feeling happy and excited about them.  I am, but it feels off.  Jay's finally got a job and my bitch boss has retired - two really big, positive events in my life.  I guess my tempered happiness is because I take time to adjust to change.  and even though these are positive changes in my life, they still take adjusting.

*sigh* There's more I could say, but really not sure how to put it all in words anymore.

struggling