Eleven Months as a Widow

Life has been extra busy the past few weeks.  Around the time of the actual eleven month anniversary of Jay's death, I was just trying to make it to our Winter Break from school.  I have been thrust into covering a fifth grade class for a teacher who has had vocal surgery (was supposed to end on Jan. 8th, but has now been extended until at least Feb. 3rd).  Then Christmas and birthdays (mine and Mom's) came.  I spent almost a week at my parents' house for the events.

While I had some down time at my parents' house, I didn't feel like digging deep into my feelings about yet another month without Jay.  The holidays were hard.  While it was good to be with family, it was also emotionally painful.  Watching my happy siblings and their spouses, and knowing that I'll never have that again.  Wishing that Jay was there.  Made even harder thinking about all the mess that happened last year at this time leading up to his death.  

Today is New Year's Eve, and I'm back home.  Decided to spend it alone instead of staying at my parents'.  It would have just been me and my parents anyway.  All of my siblings and their families went home yesterday.  I've made Jay's favorite sausage balls.  Cried through that, so maybe that wasn't the best idea.  I'm thinking I'm just going to turn in early tonight and sleep through the ringing in of the new year.  It's just too fucking sad and depressing without my love here.

I've never been one to make resolutions, and I'm not about to start now.  So as I look toward 2020, I'm still just trying to survive each day.