Nine months as a Widow

It has been a very busy month - school, my classes, whatnot... Yet through it all, thoughts of Jay are always there.  I don't cry as often, but when I do, the pain is just as bad as it was at the beginning.  I'll never stop missing him.  I'll never stop loving him.  Grief is so hard.  I want it to be done and over with, but I don't want to stop loving him.  I'm tired of navigating the mine field each day.  Never knowing when something is going to blow up in my face and leave me crying.  The landmines seem to be spread farther apart as time goes by, but they are no less damaging when I hit one. 

It's a very lonely existence though.  My friends all have their own stuff going on - one has a husband with kidney failure (like Jay had), another's mom died exactly six months after Jay, and so on... So we're all dealing with shit.  Life is pretty sucky right now.  I made an attempt at making a new friend at work.  You know, trying to extend the acquaintance outside of work, but timing has been off on everything.  Each week we've tried to meet up after work, but something either gets in the way on her end or on my end.  And then I often just don't feel like making the effort anymore.  Some days I'm just so tired.  I make myself get out of bed and go to work and go through the motions of the day, but I'd much rather just be snuggled up in bed. 

The song "Tunnels" by Nothing More keeps coming up when I listen to Pandora.  I finally really listened to the words.  This is a massively long tunnel that I'm going through right now.  Don't know when I'm going to see the light at the end.