Four months since he died. Four months as a widow. The main thing that I have struggled with in this fourth month has been loneliness. The all-consuming loneliness of having gone from having your best friend and lover with you 24-7 to having no one. Holy fuck, it's awful. The person you told everything to - gone. The person who told you their hopes and dreams - gone. The person you kissed goodbye in the morning when you went to work and hello in the evening when you came home - gone. The person who held you when you cried - gone. The person you cared for day in and day out and took to the doctor/hospital/labs/etc. - gone. The person you loved with all your heart- gone. The person who loved all of you - gone. The person who told you everything was going to be alright - gone. In a million little ways - gone. Left behind is an empty space with nothing to fill it but loneliness and tears. Love you forever, my Jaybird
"Highlights" of the rest of the month. On April 20th, I attended the Water Lantern Festival and launched a water lantern in Jay's memory (see separate blog post). For his birthday, April 26, I took a trip to Carolina Beach to spread some of his ashes. I'll write about that in a separate post as well.
