Struggling

*sigh*  I'm surrounded by pregnant women and friends my age with kids graduating from high school.  I'm feeling barren and old.  I'm in a rough place right now.  While I'm happy for my friends - both the pregnant ones and the ones with graduates - I'm also quite depressed and envious about the whole thing.  I still go back and forth on whether or not I want kids (I love kids, but already have my hands full with my husband's health), which is made more complicated by the fact that we can't have kids.  Yes, I have step-kids and step-grandkids (another on the way - another of the pregnant women that I know... Christa's pregnant again), but it's not the same.  Friends have suggested fostering kids.  I don't think I could handle that emotionally.  And adoption takes money that I don't have (which is also why we haven't tried any infertility treatments).

I know part of my problem is that I have hit the middle-age meditations on my life.  Didn't hit when I turned 40.  It hit when I turned 41.  I wouldn't really call it a mid-life crisis, but I've definitely been doing a lot of thinking about my life lately, and this past week has been about babies.  I feel left out.  I'm not part of the pregnant crowd.  I'm not part of the kids-graduating crowd.   I've been an outsider almost my whole life, until recent years.  T've got a small group of friends going on now.  Kinda nice.  But... now I feel left out, which is made worse by the fact that I spent most of my life as an outsider and then became part of a group.  Okay, that's kinda fuzzy.  Can't explain the feeling in words.

Two of my closest friends are in the two categories that have me struggling right now - one is pregnant and one has a graduate (her youngest, in fact, so she's getting ready to have some freedom on her hands again).  I really want to be involved in my pregnant friend's life, but I feel like an intruder.  I also feel selfish, because I want her company and her time, but she's dealing with maintaining this pregnancy and not losing this baby.  I also feel like she doesn't turn to me for anything about her pregnancy or baby, because I haven't gone through any of that stuff.   

There are positive things happening in my life, and I should be feeling happy and excited about them.  I am, but it feels off.  Jay's finally got a job and my bitch boss has retired - two really big, positive events in my life.  I guess my tempered happiness is because I take time to adjust to change.  and even though these are positive changes in my life, they still take adjusting.

*sigh* There's more I could say, but really not sure how to put it all in words anymore.

struggling